Here's how to stop the cycle and build trust
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You’re worried.
You see your teenager being what you think is irresponsible, and that future you’ve imagined for them?
It starts looking a little shaky. So you remind them. You tell them again, and again.
You push because you care.
But here’s the thing—your teenager isn’t seeing it that way.
Instead of hearing, “I’m concerned about you,” they’re hearing, “You don’t trust me.”
And now both sides are frustrated. You feel like you need to stay on top of them, and they feel like you’re smothering them.
What’s going on here, and how do you change this pattern?
Let me share a story.
It’s Not About Them Being “Irresponsible”
A while back, I worked with a family facing this exact issue. The parents were convinced their 17-year-old was irresponsible. They booked an appointment because they didn’t know what else to do.
But the teenager? He didn’t see it that way at all. He felt like his parents were constantly on his back, nagging him about everything, and that made him pull away. He wasn’t tuning out because he didn’t care—he was overwhelmed.
Here’s what I asked the parents: “What are you really worried about?”
They paused and then said, “We’re afraid he won’t succeed. We’re scared he won’t have a good future.”
And there it was—the real issue: anxiety about the future.
Anxiety Makes You Micromanage & overthink.
If you’re like most parents, you’re not nagging or pushing because you enjoy it. You’re doing it because you’re worried. You want the best for your teen, but that fear of what might happen if they don’t stay on track? It’s pushing you to micromanage them and you are on overthinking drive.
But here’s the catch—when you micromanage, your teenager feels suffocated. And guess what? That stress is causing them to tune out even more.
So, what do they do? They avoid you, they retreat into distractions, and the more you push, the further they pull away.
The Real Issue Isn’t Irresponsibility, It’s Stress
Here’s where things started to shift with the family I worked with.
We stopped making the teenager the “problem” and started talking about the real issue: anxiety. The parents were anxious about the future, and the teenager was feeling the weight of that anxiety. He didn’t mind guidance. In fact, he was fine with advice. What he hated was the constant pressure to be perfect, to never mess up, to always live up to expectations.
Once the parents saw this, something clicked. It wasn’t about whether their kid was “responsible” or not. It was about how their anxiety was driving their actions, and how those actions were stressing everyone out.
How to Shift From Nagging to Real Conversations
If this sounds familiar, here’s what you can do to stop the cycle:
- Recognize your own anxiety. It’s easy to think the problem is all about your teen’s behavior. But a lot of your actions are driven by your own fear of the future. Take a moment to acknowledge that. It’s okay to be worried—but acting out of fear isn’t helping either of you.
- Share how you feel, not just what they need to do. Instead of saying, “You need to do your homework,” try saying, “I’m worried about what happens if you fall behind.” This changes the conversation from a command to a conversation about your concerns.
- Give them space to respond. Once you’ve shared your feelings, give them a chance to share theirs. Ask, “How does it feel when I keep reminding you about things?” You might be surprised—they’re likely not ignoring you on purpose. They might be feeling just as overwhelmed as you.
- Negotiate boundaries. You still have a role to play in guiding them, but maybe there’s a way to do it that doesn’t involve micromanaging. Set boundaries together. For example, you might agree to check in on their schoolwork once a week, instead of every day. It shows trust, and that trust can motivate them to take more responsibility.
Step 5: Trust the Process (And Be Patient)
Here’s the truth: changing this dynamic won’t happen overnight. You’ve been in the habit of watching over every little thing, and they’ve been used to avoiding your control. But the more you approach these conversations with openness and less judgment, the easier it will become.
What’s going to happen is this—you’ll move from constant lectures and nagging to actual conversations. The more you trust them, the more they’ll feel the freedom to come to you with their own thoughts and challenges. And that’s where real growth happens.
It’s Not About Stopping Guidance—It’s About Reducing Pressure
At the end of the day, your teen doesn’t hate guidance. They probably appreciate it more than you know.
What they hate is the feeling that they’re always being judged, always being told what to do.
But once you recognize that your anxiety about the future is driving a lot of the tension, you can change the way you communicate.
By talking with them, instead of at them, you’ll find they’re a lot more open to your advice.
Take a step back, focus on the big picture, and give them room to grow.
It’s a process, but it’s one that can bring you closer in the long run.